Monday, May 25, 2009

Stranger Danger


“We’re not getting in his car,” I said. “We don’t know him. People get kidnapped, murdered or sold into slavery when they get into a stranger’s car.”

My roommate and I were on the apartment hunt and the guy on the phone was telling her that although he didn’t know the exact address of the apartment we wanted to see, he could pick us up on a certain corner and take us there. My instincts instantly told me that this wasn’t a good idea, as did the past week’s headline news of various young women who were found murdered or abused after answering ads on Craigslist.

“I’m sorry,” my roommate responded. “I don’t know you so I don’t want to get in your car. Can you just tell us the address?”

After a minute or two, the real estate agent called back and told us the address of an apartment about four blocks from where we were waiting, located above a sports bar. Later, as we were scoping out the bedrooms, I could feel the walls thumping to the beat of an R&B song. This was the deal-breaker, but for a young couple checking out the apartment with us, it was a possibility.

“It’s just like that show, ‘How I Met Your Mother!’” he said excitedly. “I’m Marshall, you’re Lily, and we could be living above what could be our future go-to bar!”

“Whoa there, cowboy,” she said. “It’s not that easy living above a bar.”

That couple later ended up with my roommate and I, crammed in the backseat of the agent’s car as he drove to take us to another apartment. We figured it was a “strength in numbers” situation. Plus, the agent seemed more of a “take your wallet and abandon you” type of guy than the murderin’ type.

By the third apartment, my roommate and I were alone with the agent in the car. The sky was slowly turning into night and the agent, running out of small talk, asked us, “Were you the ones who didn’t want to get into my car?”

“Yes,” we said, laughing nervously. “You know what they say, “better to be safe than sorry.”

“Better safe than sorry…” the agent repeated slowly. “I suppose you’re right. You know, this reminds me of something I once saw on CSI, or actually, I think it was Without a Trace. Anyway, it was about a young woman who saw a Craigslist ad for a Lamborghini. She met the man selling it for a little test drive and decided she wanted to buy it. Then he got into the driver’s seat and said he’d drive the woman home, but he didn’t. He kept the doors locked and drove and drove while the woman screamed for help. But nobody heard her. Nobody.”

“That’s horrible,” I said, after a moment of silence.

“Nobody heard her scream because there was a thunderstorm,” he said. He looked at me in the rearview mirror. “So you’re right. Never get in a car with someone you don’t know.”

“Umm…exactly,” I said.

“Lucky for you, I’m just a real estate agent!” he laughed. “And the weather is good! Let’s see the next apartment, shall we?”

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Dorm Fire

A hilarious video my friend Chris made. He actually set up that party in his apartment for the video (and come to think of it, also had very similar parties like this one back when we were in college).


Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Todd's Dilemma

A very funny video made by my friend Lucas.

Monday, April 6, 2009

A Little Bit Country


Standalone player



The List
Lucinda Williams - Can't Let Go
M. Ward - Rave On
Jenny Lewis - Trying My Best to Love You
Ryan Adams & The Cardinals - Blue Hotel
She & Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here
The Kamikaze Hearts - No One Called You a Failure
Neko Case - People Gotta Lot of Nerve
Dr. Dog - From
Oh Susanna - Greyhound Bus
Ray Lamontagne - Let It Be Me
The Watson Twins - Lady Love Me
Nick Drake - Time Has Told Me
Okkervil River - Plus Ones
Matt Bauer - Don't Let Me Out
Wilco - Jesus Etc.

Corn Sisters - She's Leaving Town
Knife in the Water - Red Bird

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hit and Run


Although the traffic light shone red, as in “stop,” I knew damn well that car speeding in our direction wasn’t going to stop for anything or anyone.

Unfortunately, the man on the other side of the crosswalk didn’t know this, because he started to walk and in a second, the man was struck and rolled off of the hood of the car. It was raining and he slid off easily. The driver in the blue car hesitated for a moment and then made the decision to step on the gas, run the red light, cut off a car, and leave the man he had hit heaving on the side of the road.

I was with two friends, and the three of us ran over to make sure the man was okay. He pointed to one of his legs and while my friends looked at the bruises, I began to run. The car that struck the man had stopped at a red light two blocks ahead and I wanted to get something, anything that could identify the driver. How could someone hit a human being with their car and keep driving? I mean, I get it, you hit someone with your car and you’ll probably have to pay for some medical fees, but you really think you can hit someone with witnesses all around and get away with it? No way.

“Hey!” I yelled. “HEY! YOU NEED TO PULL OVER!”

But the guy in the blue car didn’t pull over. He continued driving. But before he took off again, I made sure to get his license plate number down.

When I ran back to my friends, they were already on the phone with the police and we reported the license plate number to the NYPD. The man was standing, limping very slightly and minutes later, a team of police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck had found us and took down our account on a notepad.

The man who was struck refused medical treatment – we figured he didn’t have health insurance and didn’t want to be stuck with a big ol’ hospital bill.

“Thanks for calling us,” the policeman said. “We’ll put our investigators on it.”

We stood there and nodded politely, soaked to the bone from the rain. We did what people are supposed to do when things like this happen. Then we started walking again, crossing streets with silent caution.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Disturbance in the Night


It’s 1:30 a.m. and for the last two hours, our neighborhood’s silence has been broken.

"Weh oh weh oh weh oh weh oh!"
"doooooOOOOP dooooooOOOOP!"
"Mamp! Mamp! Mamp! Mamp! Mamp!"
"DooEEEE! DooEEEE!"

If there is evil in this world, it’s in front of my apartment in the form of a car alarm. My roommate and I are up, pacing back and forth, on the verge of tearing our hair out.

“You think it’s going to stop,” I say. “There’s four seconds when it’s quiet and you think, ‘finally, peace at last!’ but it DOESN’T STOP. Why doesn’t it ever stop!?”

“It tricks us,” she adds. “We believe that the 10th time it goes off, it’ll stop. Or the 25th time. Or the 100th time. But we’re fools! FOOLS!”

My roommate’s boyfriend, who has been playing on his iPhone, finally looks up at us and shakes his head.

“It’s so easy to break the two of you,” he says. “I’m calling 311.”

He sits outside on the balcony, making sure the dispatcher can hear the alarm’s incessant screeching. Yes, I think maniacally. She too must feel our pain. She must understand!

He hangs up the phone.

“So?” we ask. “What did she say?”

“She said it’s an emergency and we have to call the police.”

“Then let’s get this show on the road.”

He dials the police. “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

That’s when it hits me. Our emergency is not a stranger attacking in the night or a house on fire. It’s not dialing M for murder or to catch a thief. Nay, our phone call is the equivalent of a kitten stuck in a tree or a tongue stuck to a frozen streetlamp. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed.

“The police are on their way.”

I am overjoyed.

And pretty soon, I am asleep.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Shakes


The walls were black and painted on one of them was a giant spooky skull. Heavy metal music was blasting from somewhere in the back -- the riffs, slow and intense, putting my nerves at new heights.

"You like this song?" A man with an untamed beard asked me.

I tried to give a wholehearted smile, as if to say "it's nice," but it came off a little more skittish, as in, "Please don't let me die here."

I had decided to get my haircut in Brooklyn after coming to the conclusion that paying more than $50 at the usual place I go to in the Upper West Side was a little ridiculous in these times. This was leap for me because I had grown comfortable with my guy -- he does a good job and cuts the hair of people I admire, like The New Yorker's Susan Orlean. Most importantly, he already knows that when I get my hair cut, I get "the shakes."

The shakes.

I've had them for as long as I can remember and have always referred to them as my "haircut phobia." It's not that I'm afraid I'll get a bad haircut (I'd be fine with shaving my head if need be), it's the metal and grabbing of the back of my head that gets to me and makes me shake uncontrollably to the point where the person cutting my hair has to pause until the shaking subsides. I'm much less shaky with someone I've grown to know, which is why deciding to go to a new place was a major leap -- I'd have to explain "the shakes" all over again to whoever was cutting my hair. They'd nod, laugh and tell me not to worry about it and then they'd look at me with horror when the shakes actually began.

"What on earth happened to you when you were a kid?" they'd ask.

The first time I had the shakes, I was about four, and the barber who cut my hair was so caught off guard that he messed up my haircut and my mother decided that shaving my head would be necessary. I had come to anticipate it since then, the same way you can anticipate being shocked by static electricity on a dry, windy day.

So there I was, sitting in a new place in Brooklyn, anticipating the shakes.

The woman who called me to her chair was wearing a tank top, which allowed her to show off two mesmerizing sleeves of tattoos. She was actually very kind and while I sat and explained the possibility of uncontrollable shaking to her she furrowed her eyebrows for a minute and asked:

"You're not on drugs right now, are you?"

"Oh, no, no ma'am," I assured her. "It's kind of a phobia thing."

She shrugged and decided that as long as I wasn't shaking because I was going through some kind of addiction withdrawals, I would be A-OK!

After washing my hair and seating me again, I shook violently, but briefly, when she grabbed my head and pressed a long sharp razor against my skull, slashing my hair off. I had seen hair cut with a razor before, but I'm used to being asked if using razors with my shakes is okay to do.

The razor, the heavy metal, the giant skull, the black walls -- all of this triggered the shakes at once, to the point where my mind went blank and I stopped shaking, stopped hearing the electric guitars and the small talk from the tattooed woman who was discussing the use of methamphetamine and how that could cure me of my shakes.

And just like that, 15 minutes flew by with my shakes halted by overwhelming fear.

It wasn't until I paid and looked at my reflection in a mirror on my way out that I realized that I had gotten a good cut.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dreams of My Landlord


I was headed back to my apartment after a trip to the post office and noticed my landlord standing on his balcony, staring down at me with a spoon in his mouth.

When he saw me, he ran inside and I knew that he would be waiting outside his door for me when I entered the building. Last week, I had told him that my roommates and I would be moving soon and the reaction hadn't gone exactly well. I suppose it was another thing you could blame on the economy -- New York's city dwellers were losing their jobs and were leaving the Big Apple en masse, making it a total renter's market as apartments opened up and rental prices took a slight, but noticeable, dip. I imagined that my landlord worried that he wouldn't be able to find new renters and where would he be then?

And sure enough, on my way up to my apartment, I found my landlord waiting outside his door.

"I have a new light bulb for you," he said. "For your kitchen."

"Oh, that's great," I said.

"Is now a good time for me to change it?"

"Sure, come on up."

After about ten minutes of digging around for a ladder and making sure the bulb was properly working, my landlord began asking me what my dreams were -- my hopes and desires.

"Are they to move into a really fancy apartment in Manhattan?"

I guess when a landlord thinks about things like hopes and dreams, it's all in the form of real estate.

"Actually, I don't know where we'll end up," I said. I didn't want to tell him that we already had some neighborhoods in mind because no matter how I put it, to him, it would sound something like, "anywhere but here."

"Some place with an elevator, no?" he began imagining. "So you don't have to run up and down these stairs every day? A place with kitchen light that always works?"

"Maybe one day," I joked. "That's the dream."

Friday, March 6, 2009

A Man's Worth


For Peter, it started as a trickle and turned into a stream.

The first thing the company did was let all its employees know that it would start eliminating 401(k) matching to cut down on costs. Peter shrugged. His 401(k) had already dwindled anyway.

Then the company took away overtime pay. Peter, who had been working 50+ hours every week for the past 15 years ever since he stopped dancing professionally with his wife had no choice but to shrug again. As long as he made enough to pay the bills, he didn’t mind sitting down at home and figuring out how to live a full life on a new budget.

Peter’s vacation days were eliminated as the company suffered staggering losses. Unlike Chrysler or GM, which had far lower cash reserves, Peter’s company refused to accept bailout money from the government. It was lowering its estimated auto industry sales for 2009, launching new lines of hybrid cars and negotiating with the United Auto Worker’s union on concessions to stay competitive with its auto-counterparts receiving federal aid.

Peter’s company, refusing a government bailout, was, by many definitions, the last car company standing. It would survive by potentially selling Volvo to China and shifting its attention to fuel-efficient automobiles.

“I’m getting old,” Peter said. “But I still have my job. No vacations? Alright. I still have something that makes me feel like I’m worth a damn. But for how long?”

Peter works for the Ford Motor Company and is achingly loyal.

Peter is my dad.

In recent months as auto plants shut down, leaving Americans wondering, as they watched their cable news shows, how these poor people were ever going to survive, I was thinking the same.

But long after people changed their channels and turned their attention to sports or the latest gossip on the Rihanna/Chris Brown debacle, my attention stayed on my father and how, if the worst inevitably happens, would I ever be able to convince him that he will always be worth a damn.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Pictures, Maps and Heart Attacks

Here are three links on the internet that I find fairly interesting.

The Big Picture: News Stories in Photographs
From The Boston Globe -- photos can sometimes show things that words cannot say. Here, California's Legoland depicts the Presidential Inauguration.

Strange Maps
For the cartography-obsessed.

This Is Why You're Fat
"A layer of deviled ham, chicken salad and olive-nut spread between a whole loaf white bread surrounded by four packages of strawberry cream cheese."

It was hard to find a photo that didn't gross me out a ton.